Rose, Sun, and Rain

Photos by Abhishek Gaurav and Vlad Bagacian from Pexels.

She is a girl learning to love,
dazzled by the way a hand is reaching out.
For the first time ever,
she knows she is wanted.

Continue reading “Rose, Sun, and Rain”

Different from Yesterday

Photos by Karoline Grabowska from Pexels.

I miss you only when I’m lonely, so surely this is not love. Your warmth is no longer something I can easily remember. The memory of your voice fades but your face doesn’t. Am I shallow to be enchanted by a good lock, still encapsulated by a touch of childhood’s purity? Or am I shallow for desiring someone’s presence when my heart don’t particularly beat for them consistently?

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Scenes Without Sound

Photo by capturenow on Canva.

Take my hand and leave the deafening world. Get rid of people. Get rid of love. Get rid of the burdens stripping away the last bit of kindness you still have. 

My own world — your new home — has no place for either things. We are the only people left. There is no need for love when I plan to let go of your hand just as quickly as you take it. My company is only to pass the gate. From here on, your life is yours to live. I have no need of you. You certainly have no need of me. 

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Too Much Darkness for Rainbow

Photos by Thiago Matos (right) and Valeriia Miller (left) from Pexels.

When my tears overflow, I wonder: is it you I hate or is it me? The sun breaks through layers of curtains, colouring the room red. My heart is still beating even when each thump feels like a kick to the chest. Is it grief that leaves me broken or is it anger? Am I sad ’cause you’re gone or am I angry ’cause I’m not the one who cuts you off? Am I selfish for not wanting it to end or am I stupid for hanging onto something that’s destined to break apart?

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Why The Sun Doesn’t Stay for the Winter

Pictures by Karolina Grabowska and Alissa Nabiullina from Pexels.

How to say goodbye? He asked.
Close the door and never come back, she said.
How to explain the farewell? He asked.
Give them a smile and say you no longer want to be around, she said.
Wouldn’t they think that’s a lie? He asked.

Continue reading “Why The Sun Doesn’t Stay for the Winter”

a spell to forgive and forget

I want something magical. Iced water to kill my fire. Maybe the biggest storm to drown out the thunder in my heart. Or sprinkle of pixie dust that can erase someone’s hurtful words.

But sometimes magic is not a snap of finger or a whisper of easy spell. Maybe magic is the slow descent of forgiveness that cools down your anger. Maybe magic is the rough waves that never give you chance to settle and instead force you to survive the pain.

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Melting Snow

In fear, I grasp your hand.

You look at me; angry, disgusted, sad. Full of misery. Drowning in disappointment. For I am not the one you expect me to be. For I am not the way you hope me to be.

But I hold you still, because I don’t know any other option. I do not want any other option. For me it is always you. For me it will be forever you. For me there is no other way beside you. You are my last choice. You are my one and only choice.

In farewell, you let go of my hand.

Walking away, that back of yours. Always. All the time. Whenever you get the chance. Every time I give you excuses to.

But will you come back this time? Will you return to me, once again?

Winter has ended. Spring is arriving.

You say your goodbye, one more time.

But will it be the last time?

(I hope not, you wish it was.)

Sragen, November 27th 2020

Friends of Not Forever

And then we sing of happily ever after, together, even when we know that growing old will make us drift apart instead. I hold your hands above my chest, whispering the promise of eternity; of never-missed calls, long letters, invitations to each other’s wedding, party to celebrate the birthday of one another’s children, even company in long retirement.

Your eyes see us, in the future, side by side. But I dream of a never-ending journey to countries I’ve never been before and the solitude that tries to mask my own insecurities. Your eyes see our friendship blooming even until the after-life; I am more concerned with the way my heart does not want to settle in one place only.

You wish for a forever, but I apologize in silence, knowing that I’m not a friend of forever.

Sragen, November 18th, 2020

it’s always about first

Aku melupakanmu berkali-kali. Aku mengingatmu lagi dan lagi. Ada sesuatu yang konstan dalam perasaan mendamba yang tak berani kuungkapkan ini. Ada sesuatu yang tak berubah bahkan setelah bertahun-tahun aku mencoba berpaling.

Aku rabun jauh, hingga dalam mimpi pun, raut muka seseorang tak nampak jelas. Namun aku tahu itu kau, karena siapa lagi kalau bukan kau? Di luar sana bintang berkelip, tanpa henti, dan hatiku yang gundah memaksa benakku sejenak merangkai figurmu pada permukaan langit-langit kamar yang jauh dari jangkauan.
Aku terlalu muda untuk terus terpaku pada satu titik di masa lalu. Tiap kenangan terasa semu, membuatku ingin berlari kembali dan memeriksa satu demi satu emosi yang tersimpan di sana. Apakah nyata? Apakah bukan khayalan? Apakah tanganmu benar-benar pernah ada dalam genggamanku pada suatu masa?
Ah, bagaimana nasibku jika kenangan tentang dirimu ternyata dimiliki oleh ilusi maya? Betapa merasa bodoh aku, merindukan seseorang yang sesungguhnya tak pernah ada dalam memoriku.
Ratusan senja (sanggupkah melebihi kata ‘ribu’?) telah kulalui, dan tak selalu sosokmu terbayang lewat malam yang mengikuti. Lebih sering, aku tak mengingat, terlalu letih dijadikan budak realita. Namun di malam-malam ketika suaramu mengisi alam bawah sadar, momen-momen itulah yang memberitahuku bahwa nampaknya aku akan terjebak untuk waktu yang tak ada batasnya.
Obsesiku padamu disimbolkan oleh sepasang mata elang sang pengawas. Takkan kau dengar kepakan sayapku, terlalu jauh aku terbang di antara mega. Namun kuharap kau tahu aku ada. Paling tidak percayalah bahwa meski sesekali aku akan merasa lelah dan memutuskan untuk kembali ke sarang, eksistensimu dalam mimpiku tidak sepenuhnya memudar. Tidak akan, nampaknya.
Aku tidak ingin menyebutnya cinta karena kau masihlah individu yang terpisah dariku. Kau yang kupandang di antara remang adalah kau yang terus berubah di dunia yang tak bisa kurengkuh hanya dengan sekedar pengharapan. Itu adalah kau yang mungkin tak lagi kukenal. Itu adalah kau yang selalu ingin kukenang.
Jika aku bertemu denganmu lagi di suatu titik di masa depan dan melihat satu sisi darimu yang tidak pernah kuingat, aku percaya bahwa obsesiku padamu kelak tidak akan berubah. Aku masihlah aku, dan kau masih tak tergantikan.
Bahkan bila kiranya bintang mengusirmu dari mimpiku, entah bagaimana aku akan tetap menyusun figurmu di antara pekat malam.
Kau akan terlupakan lagi dan lagi. Aku akan mengingatmu terus berkali-kali. []