49 Days Journal Challenge – Day 21

Sragen. 14.06.2020.

15:10. Listening to Elliott Smith’s Everything Reminds Me of Her.

I did yoga for the first time in a while today. Embarrassingly, I screamed out in pain throughout the whole session. I was never a big lover of sport (or any exercise at all). But feeling all the ache in my body, I knew some exercise routine was overdue. So before lunch, I put a yoga video on TV and tried to follow the guide. As I’ve told you, the pain was unavoidable.

My body did feel better afterward, so I guess there’s no use in complaining. My only concern is how to make exercise a routine for me. With meditation, the habit came almost effortlessly. With exercise, no matter how many times I’ve changed the formula, the habit never sticks.

I used to go for a walk after or before classes, and it’s easier to do because the route to and from my campus is scenic enough–with lake and trees and a separate sidewalk from the main street. I can choose so many different routes to avoid people. At home like this, no matter how scenic the view is, I never feel comfortable walking or jogging around. The street is busy and there are too many people around, even during the early morning. Or to be honest, in where I live, morning is always the busiest time. So if I want a nice, relaxing walk in the morning, I have to wake up super early (maybe around 5 am?) and escape to the more isolated places before other villagers leave for work.

Or maybe my problem is not actually the quantity of people. I just feel anxious when I meet other villagers (who know me) while I can’t even greet them properly. In town, nobody bats an eye. Strangers come and go all the time.

So be brave–that’s actually what I keep telling myself over and over again, almost like a mission that never ends, a goal that is never achieved. I know more or less how to be happy now, but to be brave… it’s still scary as hell.

It’s always easier to pretend that I don’t care and stay in my comfort zone, keep being stranger to people around me because I’m actually afraid of them.

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