I always let my laundry gets soaked in the rain. I don’t even bother to take them in. I don’t care whether it has been days since the last rain that the rain water might be polluted. I don’t care whether the water gets dirty from whatever there is on the roof. I let it rain. I let it get wet. So when in the next day I opened the window and see the drenched laundry, I will ask, “How did it feel in the rain? Did you get hurt?”
It is like some kind of revenge. It is part of my selfish mind that doesn’t want to rush out to save the laundry. It is also me telling myself that rain won’t hurt my laundry. It is me telling myself that it’s okay even though you get soaked in the rain.
You can wash it again. You can dry it again. You can wait. And it’s okay to wait.
Some of you might think that it’s outrageous of me to let my laundry get drenched in the rain all night. But you know, I feel a bit envious of the laundry. If I let myself get drenched in the rain for hours, my parents will scold me. People will look at me judgingly. They will wonder why I even take the risk of getting sick and messy like that. After all, I’m an adult and I am supposed to be able to take better care of myself, right?
But sometimes I want to get messy. Sometimes I just want to stay outside and feel the pain. Sometimes I just want to feel anything, even if it hurts. I want to be able to stand under the darken sky, to receive the sharp blow, to get heavy with drenching water. Most of all, I want to accept that I am not feeling okay.
That’s where the truth comes out. Days when I let my laundry get drenched in the rain are days when I’m not feeling my best. It’s when the thought of getting up from bed to rush out and save my laundry is hella exhausting. It’s when I’m contemplating life over and over again. It’s when I have no determination to truly live my life.
So I let it pass by. I let the rain comes and goes. I let it soaks my laundry. I let it hurts myself.
Because sometimes I want to accept that I’m hurt, that I’m not okay, and that that is fine.
The rain will pass by.
Depok, 27 Oktober 2019
#Depression #BeKindToYourself #EverythingWillBeAllright #YouCanAlwaysStartAgain