I realized that heaven is my ideal day. It’s waking up to no to-do list. It’s waking up to warm breakfast and cool morning. It’s waking up to the spark of my family’s laughter and the content feeling of belonging. It’s spending day reading good books and writing poems, of enjoying an entertaining movie and listening to comforting songs. It’s feeling rush of adrenaline when spectating a great play. It’s winding down with my baby sister’s hand around my finger. It’s a day that has no past nor future, just now in the moment. It’s heaven. So now I understand that my heaven is forever, a day when time stills and I am belong to the right place.
For years, I’ve been praying for unknown happiness, to an unidentifiable clarity. I wish for the absence of suffering, I pray for the finish line of continuing pain.
I never knew that what I asked for was heaven. A place where my past doesn’t matter and my future doesn’t exist.
One day I will be taken away from this mortal life and God will guide me past all the mistakes and tears. I will be freed, and hopefully heaven will be the place where I reside. And that’s where true happiness will finally come to me. That’s where I know my journey is over. That’s where I know pain will no longer follow me.
Depok, 27 Oktober 2019